APOLOGY ACCEPTED

Have you ever had someone apologize to you and somehow it sounded hollow? You find yourself thinking, "What are they really saying?" My favorite non-apologies are the ones that use the word "if." For example, "I'm sorry if I offended you." What is the real meaning? Why don't they just come out and and say, "I realize you have a problem with my rudeness, and I'm sorry you can't get over it." This is very common between spouses, especially early in the marriage. Since I'm a guy, I'm very familiar with what guys say, so I'll use the male example. I bring home a new toy (here you fill in your favorite toy that you slobber on everytime you go to the mall or car dealer). I bring it home, and my wife goes through the roof. What is my apology? "I'm sorry if I offended you. I should have discussed it with you first." In other words, "Get over it woman, I've already spent the money on my selfish desires and I'm always going to feed this little boy what he wants. I really don't care about your needs or the future financial needs of our family." It's no wonder that my apology doesn't go very far. She knows what I am really saying. What would be a sincere apology? How about, "I now realize what a selfish, inconsiderate jerk I have been, and how far I have to go to really grow up. I'm going to work at putting the needs of my family first, and to demonstrate my sincerity, I will return this toy." That is hard to say, because little boys don't say that, and if they did, it would not be sincere. It's no wonder we see conflicts in marriage. I think little boys tend to grow up only when they have conflict. If they survive the early years of the marriage, and learn to put the needs of others first, they ususally turn into somewhat acceptable examples of manhood. We read about guys like this all the time in the advice columns of the newspaper. They are stories about someone whose actions have demonstrated that they need to be taken out and whipped. I can just hear in my mind as I read those stories, a rising chorus of women's voices volunteering to do the whipping in the name of all that is fair and just.