APOLOGY ACCEPTED

Have you ever had someone apologize to you and somehow it sounded hollow? You find yourself thinking, "What are they really saying?" My favorite non-apologies are the ones that use the word "if." For example, "I'm sorry if I offended you." What is the real meaning? Why don't they just come out and and say, "I realize you have a problem with my rudeness, and I'm sorry you can't get over it." This is very common between spouses, especially early in the marriage. Since I'm a guy, I'm very familiar with what guys say, so I'll use the male example. I bring home a new toy (here you fill in your favorite toy that you slobber on everytime you go to the mall or car dealer). I bring it home, and my wife goes through the roof. What is my apology? "I'm sorry if I offended you. I should have discussed it with you first." In other words, "Get over it woman, I've already spent the money on my selfish desires and I'm always going to feed this little boy what he wants. I really don't care about your needs or the future financial needs of our family." It's no wonder that my apology doesn't go very far. She knows what I am really saying. What would be a sincere apology? How about, "I now realize what a selfish, inconsiderate jerk I have been, and how far I have to go to really grow up. I'm going to work at putting the needs of my family first, and to demonstrate my sincerity, I will return this toy." That is hard to say, because little boys don't say that, and if they did, it would not be sincere. It's no wonder we see conflicts in marriage. I think little boys tend to grow up only when they have conflict. If they survive the early years of the marriage, and learn to put the needs of others first, they ususally turn into somewhat acceptable examples of manhood. We read about guys like this all the time in the advice columns of the newspaper. They are stories about someone whose actions have demonstrated that they need to be taken out and whipped. I can just hear in my mind as I read those stories, a rising chorus of women's voices volunteering to do the whipping in the name of all that is fair and just.

LISTENING

Who do you enjoy being with? What makes them fun to be around? You probably share a common passion, and enjoy their sense of humor. It is also very likely that they listen to what you say. I think being a good listener is key to having meaningful relationships.

What about people you don't enjoy? Why do you avoid them when you see them coming? What character traits do they have that raise your blood pressure? Do they listen to what you say? I think not.

Proverbs 18:24 in the Bible says that if you want to have friends, show yourself friendly. I think we can rephrase that to say if you want to have friends, be a good listener. No one likes a person who is self focused and all they do is talk about their own interests and pains. It becomes a vicious cycle, causing others to avoid them even more.

Are you a good listener? I like to imagine that there is a secret recording of all my conversations, and I get points when I can direct the conversation away from myself. What about blogging? Isn't blogging the essence of being self focused? Maybe that is why it is so popular.

What are the keys to being a good listener?

BLOGGING AS THERAPY?

How do you process emotional trauma? Blogging is a recent phenomena that seems to meet that need. I have noticed that different blogs have different themes. Some, like mine, discuss issues. Most are windows into the daily activities of the blogger. Some focus on babies, or pets, or politics. CNN had an interesting article about the therapy of blogging. Writing about a traumatic experience seems to help the blogger find at least some closure. Who blogs the most, introverts or extroverts? Would it make a difference if you knew you had no readers? Would a large audience encourage you to blog more frequently? If you don't have a blog, why not? Is it lack of time? Perhaps you are intimidated by having others read your grammer mistakes. Maybe you just don't like to write. According to the above article, there are about 12 million bloggers in the United States. That means about 230 million don't blog. Which group are you in, and why?