Ok, data from my personal life: the cutest grandchild in the world. Micah James.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
NORMALCY AND OTHER THINGS
What is dysfunction? Is it the opposite of “function?” Is it simply a diversion from the acceptable form of normal? What is normal? By what standard does one interpret normal? Are you a normal person? If you met someone who was just like you, would you get along? Would you think they were normal? Are your parents normal? Have you found yourself in some type of exchange and suddenly realized that you sound just like your parents? Is that a good thing? It would be nice if we could acquire the good attributes of our parents and shun the bad.
I can think of various types of abnormal—anger; substance abuse; avoiding conflict or being confrontational; communication issues, both lack of communication and being overly communicative; low self-esteem, and its opposite, pride. The list is very long. I have met some intensely dysfunctional people. I remember the college girl who would cut herself on her arms when she was under stress. She also carried a knife in her boot for self-defense. There was the middle-aged woman who could talk of nothing except herself. Needless to say, most people tried to avoid talking to her. I remember the young married man who had all the right answers, but his life was a total mess. It was obvious he never took his own advice.
We will always have the excesses of abnormality, but what about the other 95% of the population--those of us just trying to make a living and live a normal life? How do we confront issues we face? How do we even find out what our issues are?
For one thing, I thank God every day for hormones. I become aware of my faults once a month. Seriously, who else will tell you when your breath is bad? How do you feel when someone close to you brings up one of your many shortcomings? Do the hairs on the back of your head start rising? Do you react like a threatened dog? More importantly, how should we react? Should we allow 20 minutes for losing our temper, and then 20 minutes for apologizing? What is the correct response for handling criticism? What is the proper way to administer criticism?
Most of us are not aware of the extent and scope our dysfunction. Even when we are aware of a defect in our personality, we tend to blame others. In fact, blaming others removes the guilt, so that becomes a powerful incentive to not accept responsibility for our actions. It is popular to blame our upbringing, or our social class, or the way our ancestors were treated.
Perhaps we simply can’t fix it even when we know about it. Just like the fox was created to eat the goose, perhaps in some areas we don’t have a choice. Are men created to watch football while the wife brings them snacks? Are women born to shop? Does a man have a problem if he loves to shop? Is a woman shunned by her friends if she likes guns? Maybe there are just different degrees of varying from the norm, and some of us are way out on the fringe of the bell curve. Is it acceptable to tell your spouse, “Get over it, that’s just the way I am?”
Confrontation needs to happen in a prescribed, safe way. A relationship without conflict means one of you is either dead or unnecessary. And yet, a relationship with too much conflict can be hell on earth.
I have had trouble being non-confrontational all my life. In my defense, it’s not that I don’t confront; I just don’t feel that strongly about anything. You want to eat at McDonalds? Let’s do it! You want to go to the beach? Great! In retrospect, after 32 years of marriage, I am trying to have more of an opinion about things. I have always been very opinionated about the important things, like who should be President, or whether or not we should be in Iraq. However, now I am trying to take more of an interest in the small things of life. After all, they are important to others, and so should be important to me as well.
Normal is also different things to different people. If you are raised in a home where alcoholism is accepted, then you are more likely to accept it when you establish a home. The same thing applies to communication techniques. If you grew up where everyone shouted, then you might think that your spouse doesn’t care about you if they don’t respond with shouting. It is interesting to see a new marriage blend the expectations of two families into one. It’s a set-up for conflict, which needs to happen. Hopefully the new relationship will take the good from both sides and reject the bad.
It is sad when a warped concept of normal cripples a relationship. If a girl is attracted to a guy because her definition of “exciting” is someone who gets drunk on the weekends, then that marriage is beginning with the seeds of its own destruction. The very thing that attracts her to him will destroy the relationship. Men have other issues. They are blinded by testosterone. It’s like walking along a precipice blindfolded and high on Demerol. They have no idea what women are saying about them behind their back, and they don’t care, because they are on top of the world and it is ripe for picking. They think they are God’s gift to women, and nothing will bring them back to earth. It’s only when you are my age that you realize that isn’t true.
Perhaps the place to begin good communication with another person is to discuss each other’s concept of normal in a very detailed way. Then, when you know them well enough, take the next step and carefully reveal to them what you have observed about them that in your opinion is not normal. Of course, that is not without risk.
You also take the chance that when she tells him to chew with his mouth closed, that he’ll tell her to lose weight. The battle lines are drawn!
The real issue with defining normalcy is that our culture cannot agree on a standard. Our nation has agreed to interpret law based on the Constitution. We call it the “rule of law.” We are 300 million people who have collectively agreed to obey traffic signals, and thousands of other rules. If it wasn’t for us all agreeing to follow the law, we would have anarchy overnight. A Chinese graduate student expressed surprise to me that we obey stop signs even if there are no other cars in sight. Not all countries have such a commitment to the rule of law.
However, we have no such standard for evaluating behavior.
You can track changes in our recent cultural history. When I was young, it was not proper for unmarried people to live together. It was not appropriate to exhibit homosexual behavior. Both activities were a mark of shame upon the participants and their families. Today there is far less shame, and in some cases, pride has taken its place. With our cultural norms in a continual state of flux, what is the outcome? We can assume the progression will continue. There are already political movements to normalize assisted suicide, pedophilia and vampires. Our imagination is the only limit. Is there a solution?
The logical answer is to anchor our mores to an agreed upon standard. Christians anchor their faith on the Bible and the teachings of Jesus. Jews have the Torah. Muslims have the Quran.
Wars have been fought on whose standard to use. The advance of Islam after it appeared about 600 A.D. was one of military conquest. Waging Jihad was acceptable normal behavior, and still is to some Muslims. It advances the cause of Islam. The Old Testament chronicles the advance of the Jews through Canaan. It is interesting that Christianity spread because of persecution. Jesus preached turning the other cheek. That was perhaps the most effective spread of mores in human history. A thousand years later the effort to stop the spread of Islam resulted in the Crusades and created a resentment of Christianity that survives today. In addition, atrocities committed in the name of Christ survive in our history of the Spanish Inquisition.
Do you have a fixed standard for normal, or will your normal be evolved into something else in twenty years?
I can think of various types of abnormal—anger; substance abuse; avoiding conflict or being confrontational; communication issues, both lack of communication and being overly communicative; low self-esteem, and its opposite, pride. The list is very long. I have met some intensely dysfunctional people. I remember the college girl who would cut herself on her arms when she was under stress. She also carried a knife in her boot for self-defense. There was the middle-aged woman who could talk of nothing except herself. Needless to say, most people tried to avoid talking to her. I remember the young married man who had all the right answers, but his life was a total mess. It was obvious he never took his own advice.
We will always have the excesses of abnormality, but what about the other 95% of the population--those of us just trying to make a living and live a normal life? How do we confront issues we face? How do we even find out what our issues are?
For one thing, I thank God every day for hormones. I become aware of my faults once a month. Seriously, who else will tell you when your breath is bad? How do you feel when someone close to you brings up one of your many shortcomings? Do the hairs on the back of your head start rising? Do you react like a threatened dog? More importantly, how should we react? Should we allow 20 minutes for losing our temper, and then 20 minutes for apologizing? What is the correct response for handling criticism? What is the proper way to administer criticism?
Most of us are not aware of the extent and scope our dysfunction. Even when we are aware of a defect in our personality, we tend to blame others. In fact, blaming others removes the guilt, so that becomes a powerful incentive to not accept responsibility for our actions. It is popular to blame our upbringing, or our social class, or the way our ancestors were treated.
Perhaps we simply can’t fix it even when we know about it. Just like the fox was created to eat the goose, perhaps in some areas we don’t have a choice. Are men created to watch football while the wife brings them snacks? Are women born to shop? Does a man have a problem if he loves to shop? Is a woman shunned by her friends if she likes guns? Maybe there are just different degrees of varying from the norm, and some of us are way out on the fringe of the bell curve. Is it acceptable to tell your spouse, “Get over it, that’s just the way I am?”
Confrontation needs to happen in a prescribed, safe way. A relationship without conflict means one of you is either dead or unnecessary. And yet, a relationship with too much conflict can be hell on earth.
I have had trouble being non-confrontational all my life. In my defense, it’s not that I don’t confront; I just don’t feel that strongly about anything. You want to eat at McDonalds? Let’s do it! You want to go to the beach? Great! In retrospect, after 32 years of marriage, I am trying to have more of an opinion about things. I have always been very opinionated about the important things, like who should be President, or whether or not we should be in Iraq. However, now I am trying to take more of an interest in the small things of life. After all, they are important to others, and so should be important to me as well.
Normal is also different things to different people. If you are raised in a home where alcoholism is accepted, then you are more likely to accept it when you establish a home. The same thing applies to communication techniques. If you grew up where everyone shouted, then you might think that your spouse doesn’t care about you if they don’t respond with shouting. It is interesting to see a new marriage blend the expectations of two families into one. It’s a set-up for conflict, which needs to happen. Hopefully the new relationship will take the good from both sides and reject the bad.
It is sad when a warped concept of normal cripples a relationship. If a girl is attracted to a guy because her definition of “exciting” is someone who gets drunk on the weekends, then that marriage is beginning with the seeds of its own destruction. The very thing that attracts her to him will destroy the relationship. Men have other issues. They are blinded by testosterone. It’s like walking along a precipice blindfolded and high on Demerol. They have no idea what women are saying about them behind their back, and they don’t care, because they are on top of the world and it is ripe for picking. They think they are God’s gift to women, and nothing will bring them back to earth. It’s only when you are my age that you realize that isn’t true.
Perhaps the place to begin good communication with another person is to discuss each other’s concept of normal in a very detailed way. Then, when you know them well enough, take the next step and carefully reveal to them what you have observed about them that in your opinion is not normal. Of course, that is not without risk.
You also take the chance that when she tells him to chew with his mouth closed, that he’ll tell her to lose weight. The battle lines are drawn!
The real issue with defining normalcy is that our culture cannot agree on a standard. Our nation has agreed to interpret law based on the Constitution. We call it the “rule of law.” We are 300 million people who have collectively agreed to obey traffic signals, and thousands of other rules. If it wasn’t for us all agreeing to follow the law, we would have anarchy overnight. A Chinese graduate student expressed surprise to me that we obey stop signs even if there are no other cars in sight. Not all countries have such a commitment to the rule of law.
However, we have no such standard for evaluating behavior.
You can track changes in our recent cultural history. When I was young, it was not proper for unmarried people to live together. It was not appropriate to exhibit homosexual behavior. Both activities were a mark of shame upon the participants and their families. Today there is far less shame, and in some cases, pride has taken its place. With our cultural norms in a continual state of flux, what is the outcome? We can assume the progression will continue. There are already political movements to normalize assisted suicide, pedophilia and vampires. Our imagination is the only limit. Is there a solution?
The logical answer is to anchor our mores to an agreed upon standard. Christians anchor their faith on the Bible and the teachings of Jesus. Jews have the Torah. Muslims have the Quran.
Wars have been fought on whose standard to use. The advance of Islam after it appeared about 600 A.D. was one of military conquest. Waging Jihad was acceptable normal behavior, and still is to some Muslims. It advances the cause of Islam. The Old Testament chronicles the advance of the Jews through Canaan. It is interesting that Christianity spread because of persecution. Jesus preached turning the other cheek. That was perhaps the most effective spread of mores in human history. A thousand years later the effort to stop the spread of Islam resulted in the Crusades and created a resentment of Christianity that survives today. In addition, atrocities committed in the name of Christ survive in our history of the Spanish Inquisition.
Do you have a fixed standard for normal, or will your normal be evolved into something else in twenty years?
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